At a gathering with friends last week, the discussion shifted to driving.
We all shared some of our driving stories. The common theme was recklessness behind the wheel. There was talk of angry swearing at other drivers and a lot of speeding, like making the 170 mile trip from Baltimore to New Jersey in less than 2 hours. I once drove the 380 miles from my college in New Jersey to the University of Pittsburgh in less than 5 hours.
We talked about passive aggressive driving too, like tapping your brakes or just taking your foot off the gas to slow down and annoy the tailgater behind you. Someone talked about riding side by side with another vehicle to frustrate an aggressive driver and prevent them from passing.
I gain a lot of pleasure when a car blows past me flipping me off only to get stuck at the next traffic light a quarter mile up the road. I like to smile and wave as they fume, hoping they look in their rear view mirror. I also enjoy blowing kisses as an aggressive speeder finally gets around me with their mouth running and hands flying.
As my wife points out, I need to stop this behavior because I don’t know what kind of person is in the other car. For all I know, they could have a gun and unload it into my car.
The conversation continued but my mind began to wander. I was thinking of a story I read years ago in the book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
His story read like this:
I was riding a subway on Sunday morning in New York. People were sitting quietly, reading papers, or resting with eyes closed. It was a peaceful scene. Then a man and his children entered the subway car. The man sat next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to his children, who were yelling, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers.
I couldn’t believe he could be so insensitive. Eventually, with what I felt was unusual patience, I turned and said, “Sir, your children are disturbing people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if he saw the situation for the first time. “Oh, you’re right,” he said softly, “I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
Suddenly, I saw things differently. And because I saw differently, I felt differently. I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior. My heart filled with compassion. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.
As I have grown older, and infinitely more patient than I was in my 20s, I’ve found myself randomly reflecting on the story. This driving conversation had me thinking about it again.
What if the aggressive driver weaving around traffic was trying to get to a sick relative? Did they get the call that Covid had taken a loved one?
In January, my 2 yr old son climbed off the couch and tripped. He caught the corner of his lip just right on a toy and in seconds there was blood everywhere. It’s not difficult for me to imagine a worried father rushing home or to the hospital. My son would need 4 stitches in his mouth for the gash.
Think of the senior citizen holding you up by having an extended conversation with the store clerk. They may be lonely with no one else to talk to. You should probably buy that person a coffee because I bet they have great stories about war and stuff.
Have you ever thought about why someone is using 20 coupons to pay for 10 items at the grocery store? Maybe they’re a single parent of three. Those coupons might be the only way for them to afford food without feeling humiliated by going to the food bank. – by the way, you should never feel humiliated or ashamed asking for help of any kind.
The next time you’re at the mall or walking in the park, take a minute and imagine the stories of the people walking around you.
How are they like you? How are they different? What triumphs or tragedies have they lived through. And the next time you find yourself getting frustrated by someone or see them doing something stupid, ask yourself, why are they behaving that way? Chances are they are lost in a way you and I don’t understand.
Of course, they could also be self-absorbed jerks.